Dear Eric: I have a friend who helps me by driving me to out-of-town doctor appointments. I’m old enough to be her mother.

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She is disabled and on a small income. I’m blessed with a healthy retirement income.

I have gifted her several items. Recently, I got her a TV for her bedroom. A week passed and I asked what she did with the smaller one I gave her. She said, “Oh, I sold it for 30 bucks.” I was floored. I paid $200 for it.

Now, I want to say to her that my gift-giving days are over. I gave her a set of stainless silverware that I’ve never seen her use. I’m so mad. Why didn’t she offer it back to me? Should I say something?

– Hurt Friend

Dear Friend: I know your heart was in the right place, but it seems your friend needed $30 more than she needed a new television.

When giving gifts, we don’t get to dictate how they’re used. Indeed, the hope of the gift-giver is that they haven’t somehow misunderstood and given a gift that the recipient doesn’t have use for.

Petulantly withholding future gifts reflects poorly on you. Especially considering she gives of her time and resources by helping you with rides.

Instead, try telling her that you had hoped the TV would make her happier, but you understand. Ask if, in the future – say for birthdays or holidays – a gift card or cash would go further.

Dear Eric: The most important family member to me is my brother, the only person who’s been there since my birth and never let me down.

We’re both retired, and he’s very, very sick, partly from past addictions. His insurance company kicked him off getting any more of his last-chance medication that could give him another one to five years of life, partly because of his own bad choices.

My wife and I got a windfall inheritance from her side of the family, so we could use it to pay to keep him alive, but we have young adult children who so far still live with us and rely on us because of their autism. Anything we can save for them will keep them comfortable after we die, even if they continue to struggle becoming self-sufficient.

On the one hand, my wife always says, “it’s just money” and we sometimes spend (her) money to help family and friends in need, either by flying there to help or paying off debts, etc. On the other hand, my brother lived the life he chose and is reaping what he sowed.

Is it OK if I actually let him die rather than use my own kids’ future security? It seems so wrong. Maybe my kids will be OK and learn to navigate the world without our extra money, while we know for sure my brother will die. And how will I feel with the money knowing I don’t have my brother?

– Torn Apart

Dear Torn: While this surely feels like a moral dilemma worthy of King Solomon’s arbitration, I think you should actually consult a financial adviser. You have an immediate expense and a long-term expense, so there’s likely ways to manage your money in service of both.

An adviser will have experience talking through goals and desires and helping people to make the best plan.

Even without the windfall, making a financial management plan for your children that takes into account the challenges they face is a good idea.

You should also talk to your brother. It sounds like you’re taking on the responsibility of keeping him alive – or, really, deciding if he should live. That’s too great a burden and I fear it’s causing you more pain.

This may be grief’s way of showing up. That’s understandable, but money – no matter what you choose to do with it – won’t fix it.

Talk to him about what’s happening in his life, what he wants, and how you both can be there for each other as he faces this stage.

Dear Eric: Regarding the letter from the remarried couple with the dilemma of what to do with their remains when they die and how to honor their late spouses at the same time (“Thinking Ahead”), I have an easy solution.

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Like them, my name is on my late husband’s stone, and I will be buried there but I would also like to be buried with my parents in another state. Consequently, I will be cremated and have my ashes split and buried in both graves.

– Two Resting Places

Dear Places: Cremation or aquamation (also known as biocremation or alkaline hydrolysis, a water-based process that breaks the body down similar to cremation but without burning) are great options if they match the couple’s desires for their bodies after death.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.