DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine is in a relationship, and in my opinion, her partner is not good to her.

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From what she tells me and what I observe, he seems selfish, abrasive, cheap and not affectionate or protective of her.

At a social event, he asked me jokingly why it feels like I don’t like him. I gave him a serious answer — a diluted version of my thoughts on how he treats my friend.

I did not disrespect him or raise my voice, and although he initiated this conversation, my friend is upset with me for sharing my opinion with him.

Was I wrong?

— Crossing the Line

DEAR CROSSING THE LINE: This is tricky, as friends do expect a covenant to exist between them where they do not reveal their innermost thoughts about partners. It is typically understood that you keep those opinions to yourself.

The big caveat is that sometimes it is best for a friend to stand up — to actually be a friend — and tell the truth when it needs to be heard. This can sometimes lead to the end of a friendship if the revelation feels like a betrayal. It can also lead to honest and thoughtful reflection on what is actually going on in a relationship.

You can apologize to your friend if she feels you betrayed the unspoken social contract, but add that you are genuinely concerned for her and worry that her boyfriend is not treating her well.

Since he asked, you felt compelled to tell him. In the end, you want to make sure she knows how concerned you are and why.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently met up with some old friends at a birthday gathering. These are friends I grew up with, and while we stay in touch, I haven’t seen them in six or seven years.

This gathering was on a weekday, and there were light refreshments and wine available.

After three hours together, one of my friends was extremely drunk. I noticed that at the bar, instead of enjoying the wine available, he had been ordering hard liquor and purchasing rounds for others as well. I kept hearing others say things like “that’s just how he is,” “bartenders love him,” “hard liquor is more his speed,” etc.

I feel concerned, but everyone else in his life seems passive about it. Am I too far removed to express concern?

— Should I Intervene?

DEAR SHOULD I INTERVENE?: Consider yourself a blessing put in this man’s life at this time. Perhaps you are there to shine a light for him on what he is doing.

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Harriette Cole: He wants his whole family in the delivery room? Fine, if he’s pantsless.

Invite him to get together with you in person so you can speak face-to-face, but avoid meeting at a bar. Tell him how nice it was to see him after so many years. Ask him about his life so you can get a sense of what’s going on with him. Then ask him for permission to share some feedback with him.

If he says yes, tell him that you observed heavy drinking on his part and overheard people agreeing that he drinks a lot. Tell him you are concerned about him and felt it was important to tell him you are worried about what seems to be excessive drinking. He may get angry or dismiss your concerns, but at least you will have planted the seed.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.